It Was Beautiful...

Love isn’t ever supposed to be easy and nobody ever said it was. Like a drug, it makes you lose your head, takes you to another place psychologically and most dangerously, love makes you throw caution to the wind.

Recently, I decided to do the exact opposite of what I would normally do in almost all situations in my life. From my friendships to my recent relationship, I’ve done the opposite of what my consistently cautionary mind has told me to do. In most cases, the results have been surprisingly pleasant. But instinct is something God gave us, I believe, as a way of keeping us from an even bleaker or challenging situation. When instinct kicks in and you hear that little voice’s warning, I’ve found it’s always best to listen. Having listened, I learned a difficult yet very valuable lesson.

Christmas Eve, my Mom and I went to a Chinese restaurant and as in most Chinese restaurants; we received fortune cookies at the end of our meal. Mine read, “Love always and deeply.” And boy, do I ever. I’d like to think that I’ve been described as a good boyfriend. Mostly for the reason that I like to please the person that I’m with and I love to see them feel good about themselves and about us. I was, once again, that person in this relationship.

At first the feelings were mutual and it seemed like a dream. Throwing caution to the wind, I let myself become overwhelmed by that love. I told myself to live in the moment and enjoy what I was experiencing. Not an ideal situation for someone who loves deeply.

It was beautiful though. For a split second, I saw the life I wanted to live. I was with someone that saw my hang-ups and accepted them. Suddenly, someone saw me as a human being worthy to love and be loved in return. We had some beautiful moments together. Then as suddenly as it came, it went. Here I was head over heels in love with someone that I thought felt the same only to discover that they were unsure of what they wanted. He didn’t want to hurt me for the sake of our friendship but too many things had already been said. I understand where he's coming from but I've wasted too much time already. I refuse to squander any opportunity to love and be loved.

I never expected to have to cut my losses but loving someone who doesn’t love you back is too difficult and hurtful to live through more than once. In the end, I knew it wouldn’t be a healthy relationship to be in but the heart wants what it wants.

My heart is slowly healing and I am grateful to have learned a few things about myself in the midst of the whirlwind romance. I believe in love and dream of the blessings that it can bring. And I believe that God and the Universe want me to be loved. It’s just not my time.