Home

Well, my Mom's finally out of the hospital. She spent a week in recovery and a week and a half in a rehabilitation hospital. Her knee replacement surgery went well. She had a lot of pain at different points but soldiered through the hard times brilliantly. She will be in therapy three times a week for the next few weeks. Ulitmately she is much better and glad to be home. Home.

There are several definitions for the word, Home, found in several online dictionaries. The first one describes home as a place "where you live at a particular time." Another definition describes home as a "family, a social unit living together." I like that. My favorite is the definition that describes home as "a place where something began and flourished." Home.

One of my favorite songs from a musical is "Home" written by Charlie Smalls, originally sung by Stephanie Mills on Broadway and phenomenally reinterpreted for the movie by Diana Ross in the role of Dorothy in The Wiz. The song hits "home" for me when she talks about having found direction and wanting to "convince time to slow up giving me enough time to grow up." In the end, she realizes that she's learned to look inside her heart to find a world full of love, like yours, like mine, like home. It's a beautiful song and she really does an amazing job singing it.

The word "home" has always meant a lot to me. There are so many songs written about home and what it means. Most everyone can relate to having a home, wanting a home or needing a home. But it's the sentiment behind the word that moves me. It has been written about in many musicals including In The Heights (When You're Home), Bombay Dreams (The Journey Home), Songs for a New World (Flying Home) and another of my favorites, The Rocky Horror Picture Show (I'm Going Home). It's also been sung about by Marc Broussard, Michael Buble, Daughtry, Foo Fighters, Sheryl Crow, Dixie Chicks and countless other artists.

In 2007, a fantastic new songwriter, Scott Alan, released a song titled "Home", sung by the brilliant Shoshana Bean, that gave the word and sentiment a new light. He writes, "Home is where the heart is meant to be, you'll always have a home inside of me. No matter where the journey leads you, if your path leads to some place new, you'll always have a home in this heart of mine."

I hope and pray that you have a home inside of someone's heart. Mushy, I know...but you can't deny it's what we all pray someday we'll find. What does "home" mean to you?

Scott Alan's music is available on iTunes and CDbaby. You can also learn more about Scott and his music at www.scottalan.net

Drowning Nightmare...

It's 6:30 in the morning and I basically forced my self to wake up because of the dream I was having. It wasn't a bad dream to start. I was in a collegiate classroom environment alone and was constructing a saltwater aquarium of sorts. It was to display several forms of sealife demonstrating something or other and then I was to show my findings...or something. I don't know why but I started putting in these large sea creatures like starfish and then these other creatures that would feed off of them and at the end I had about 6 large shell-like creatures in the tank. Here's the catch, there wasn't any water in the tank. Turns out I was constructing all of this on a weird corkboard of sorts and then I put the whole thing into a tank. As I went to the front of the tank I discovered that one of the major pieces had fallen off and died. Suddenly the tank turns into a HUGE aquarium complete with scuba man and all. Apparently, I go nuts and look for locks to make sure the aquarium doesn't bust and get inside of the space that I'm in. I find some latches and shut them to make sure nothing ecapes the tank...including the scuba man. At first, it looked like the Scuba man was trying to help me and he was struggling to find a way into the space I was in. Suddenly, I AM the scuba man...drowning. That's when my subconscious man said, "WAKE UP!".

It's weird to have a dream like this especially since my best friend loves saltwater tanks and has 6 of them. She's literally about to get an octupus for crying out loud. The other strange reason for my having a drowning dream is because I love swimming and part of loving it is the fact that I get to act like a merman and stay underwater as long as I can. Another strange aspect to my having had this dream is the fact that at age 7 or 8, I actually did almost drown.

I was at the water's edge of a boat ramp getting three lil bait fish wet in hopes of reviving them. I was trying to perform a miracle. I had told my Dad that I was going to pray over them to bring them back to life. My Dad and his friends were packing up the boat and car, it was nightfall so it was already dark outside. As I inched my way closer and closer to the waters edge, I slipped on the algae into the water and proceeded to struggle to stay afloat. As I was going under, I remember vividly hearing my aunt's voice saying, "If you stay still, you'll float.". She had said this when we were swimming at a neighborhood pool. She was not actually there at the marina. So, I stayed still and sure enough I rose to the top. I then called for my Dad, who cannot swim at all. When he heard my voice, he came running and without a thought for his own safety, he jumped head-first into the water. He reached for me and we both floated there waiting for his friends to fish us out of the water. Which they did by throwing us a rope. I think another friend of Dad's also jumped in to help us knowing that Dad was not a swimmer.

I don't know why I have these weird dreams that bring back memories that are more than 25 years old. That memory actually brings back a flood of childhood memories that I'd rather not think about.

After having weird dreams like this, I often go to an online dream dictionary to find out what the heck it all means. I first looked up Aquarium: To see an aquarium in your dream, signifies that you have acknowledged your emotions but have not yet confronted them. Thus, it may refer to your unconscious thoughts or repressed sexual desires. Also, you may feel that your life is going no where or that you feel it is going in circles. Alternatively, the aquarium may indicate that you need to calm down and set some time for yourself to relax and unwind.

The bold hit me like a ton of bricks! It's exactly where I'm at right now! Second thing I looked up was Drowning: To dream that you are drowning, indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed by emotions or repressed issues that are coming back to haunt you. You may be proceeding too quickly in trying to discover your unconscious thoughts. You should proceed more cautiously and slowly. If you drown to death, then is refers to an emotional rebirth. If your survive the drowning, then a waking relationship or situation will ultimately survive the turmoil. To see someone drowning in your dream, suggests that you are becoming too deeply involved in something that is beyond your control. Alternatively, it represents a sense of loss in your own identity. You are unable to differentiate who you are anymore. (Insert Twilight Show Theme Song Here)

That last little bit REALLY struck a chord with me. I'm very much in a weird place of trying to get out, struggling to breath, fighting to find a sense of self. There are other people in my life who know who they are and have come to terms with who and how God has made them. I still haven't but pray that I will soon.

It probably doesn't help that I had my headphones on while I was sleeping and was listening to the soundtrack of Pan's Labryinth. (Insert creepy music and weird horny fawn here).

Over Waiting

I've known for a few years that my cousin, Daniel Garcia Ordaz is a poet, teacher and linguist. However, I'd never read, heard or seen any of his work. He recently visited Houston and his family had dinner with our family. He came bearing the gift of word in the form of his new book, "Know What I'm Sayin', Poetry and Drama by Daniel Garcia Ordaz". Let me just say right now...It's good! You Know What I'm Sayin'? (Second Edition) is a celebration of the common experience of language and culture, transfiguring time and place and juxtaposing the politics of urban hip-hop America with the sociology of rural deep South Texas, a retelling of ancient history sung by a contemporary voice.

The writer of the foreword encourages the reader to become the speaker and to read Daniel's work out loud. So I did! There I sat in my room with my princess of a chihuahua, Lola and in my best Def Poetry Jam voice...I read aloud.

I LOVED IT!! I've always been a HUGE fan of poetry. Always have been. My Mom and Dad always encouraged me to write and to express my thoughts, ideas and feelings. As most of you know, that led me down the path of becoming a songwriter. What most people don't know about me is that I'm also a poet! Whether sung or spoken, I've always loved the sound of words.

And so...inspired by my friend, Naima's words to me, I wrote this lil piece of spoken word. I intend to use it in the new one-man show that I'm writing. Feel free to snap in approval at the end...lol

OVER WAITING by Leo Laredo, June 2009

I know what you’re thinking

Aren’t we over this yet?

My friends say bump it, squash it

Build a bridge and get over it

And I’m like a’ight cool, I can do that

But first, they gotta see what it’s like to be angry

When someone hurts you deep inside

Takes away your pride,

Takes you for a ride

Cause they mess with your brain

Driving you a lil insane

Cause you can’t see your way to…get over it.

So I write a lil song

To make me feel better,

To help me heal faster

To bring the peace quicker.

To manifest release

To create a show-piece

That’ll clue you in on

Who I am

What I am and

Why I am.

Cause where I am is in suburbia

Without even trying I’ve been led to believe

That bohemia is dead

And yet, what’s in my head

Had a voice, made some noise

And now it sits there in the sub-urban part of my head

Waiting

To get over it.

Thank you. :)

Bionic Mom

Today is the second day my Mom has been in the hospital following her 2nd knee replacement surgery. This time it's the left knee. She has been in and out of hospitals for the majority of my life. She's had cysts removed, a hysterectomy and several other surgical procedures that make me queasy and weak in the knees.

For the last 10 years she's had lupus. Lupus is basically, the opposite of AIDS. Where AIDS doesn't make enough anti-bodies, Lupus makes too many which causes them to fight each other and not infection. The fighting causes swelling in several parts of the body including knees, elbows and hands. Because of that Mom has been in and out of the hospital with Lupus relapses at least 2 to 3 times a year for the past 5 years.

If my Mom is having surgery, then my Dad has always done what he had to do (postpone work, travel, etc. ) to get back to Houston for Mom's surgery. I have also always been there. My sister works full-time so she comes after work. That being said, I have familiarized myself with several of Houston's hospitals specifically in the Katy area. Mom was even one of the first of 10 patients at the emergency room of the new Katy Memorial Hospital. It's a beautiful facility.

The service and dedication of the nurses and staff at Christus St. Catherine has been the best we've experienced so far. Mom has been very well attended to and they have been very kind and gentle in their treatment of her. Thank you to Aneela, Elsa and especially Michelle. You guys were great! Big Props to Tom, the Nurse Manager, for finally getting an IV in Mom after 7 tries (Mom has weak vains).

In retrospect, I've always been a caretaker of people in general. I was there for my sister when she had a biopsy done on a cyst. I gave her a backrub that helped "move" her, if you know what I mean. lol.. I also cared for my cousin, Robyn, who has also been in and out of the hospital several times in the past few years. Caring for my Mother has become second nature to me. Whether she's in or out of the hospital, I've ALWAYS taken care of her.

One of my very close friends, P.J., is a nurse and I am so proud of how he's advanced and the way he's such a great caretaker, even having taken care of me on several occasions. As much as I love taking care of people, I don't think I could ever do what he does. It takes a patient, strong, and compassionate individual to care for someone without knowing them. Watching Michelle and the other nurses care for my Mother with compassion and strength has been inspirational and moving.

Of course, I've been here almost every step of the way since she was released from the recovery room. Today, I held my Mother up as the physical therapist helped her take her first two steps on her new knee. I helped move her as she wanted to lie on her right side. I spoon-fed her ice and jello to help her regain her strength.

I love my Mom. I would do anything for her. She's always been a Super-Mom to me, even without her new bionic knees.